(Warning: This blog mention bullying and swearing. Also, take my opinion with a grain of salt before jumping to the conclusion.)
Ah the fandom. You either love them or you hate them. They’re everywhere. No matter what type of media it is. What type of genre said media is or how big or small the media is. There’s the fandom or two. Then whenever you actually interact with the fandom, most of them tend to be on the Internet as it’s more affordable than trying to go to your local con.
Now this should sound great to me as I liked cartoons and video games growing up. But despite all that, it wasn’t until I became an adult to fully interact with the online fandom. Why? I feel like there’s many reason for me to not interact with them when I was young. Maybe it’s the “don’t talk to strangers online” rule that was drilled into our heads growing up or be careful what you post as it’ll stay on the Internet, FOREVER! Whatever the case is, I feel like there might be several reasons why I waited until now.
One of the reasons is because I think I was pretty immature when it comes to how interacting with people. Mainly with fandom related stuff. I feel like I was one of those people where you don’t like my favorite things, then I automatically hate you and hope that you die in hell
One of my favorite things was Total Drama, an animated parody of Survivor that aired between the late 2000s and the mid-2010s. The show was my special interest since I was 12 years old and it got me through most of high school. It was my “baby” and I’ll get mad anytime I see someone on the forums said something bad about my show! It didn’t matter if it’s a common critique or not; it makes me mad that someone even DARE say something bad about my favorite show!
Back in high school, I used to browse ToonZone, a forum where they talk about cartoons and anything that aired on the main three American kids’ channel. Not surprisingly, there was a forum section for Cartoon Network (where Total Drama aired) and I tend to look at to see the latest news on the shows there and read some of the recap posts of the show.
Some of the posts I read there make my blood boiled anytime someone said something bad Total Drama! Even if it’s a common critique, it still put me on edge. I blame anxiety and autism on that as autistic people tend to be protective of their special interest. And seeing people saying bad things about my show makes me anxious to the point why I even come there in the first place!
It was especially bad when All Stars (the 5th season of Total Drama) aired in fall 2013, where people were bashing the show for the plot, its poor writing and the flanderization of the characters who appeared in that season. Like, it made me feel ashamed for liking the show in the first place, even though I knew the show was doing badly that season!
I know that if I had an account on the forum when Total Drama was on air, I will heavily defend the show with my might! No matter how small the complaint was, I will defend it! I might end up in a fight or two about how someone say something bad the show is. I’ll be one of those crazy fangirls that everyone likes to mock on the Internet!
But I didn’t make one.
I think having self-control and that I might end up getting banned by a moderator for being aggressive and causing fights, is what kept me from making one. I know that if I do get banned there, then I deserve it as I was immature and an emotional autistic teen who didn’t know better at the time. And that would bring me shame, as I tend to remember most the embarrassing things I did growing up thanks to my autism. I know that getting banned from a forum for causing fights for stupid reasons would haunt me for the rest of my life.
So instead of making one and starting flame wars, I just keep reading the posts of people saying bad things about my show in the background until I have enough. When it got too much, I just basically exit the site for the day and move on.
Now as an adult, I learn how to handle my emotions better. Yes, there are times it got the better of me; at least I would apologize afterwards. So while I still get anxious anytime someone says something bad about Total Drama, at least I should read why they don’t like it. Then the funny thing is that 9 out of 10 times, I would agree with them! Mostly if the writing of a peculiar season was bad or didn’t like how the characters acted in that season. I would agree with them, if thought it sting a bit inside of me.
But if they say that they hate the show just because, then I’ll just basically ignore them and move on with my life. Don’t want to get into any fandom drama for dumb reason, of course.
Another reason is due to my fear of getting cyberbullied. Like man, the Internet can be a scary place if you’re not too careful of what you say or do. No matter how much you try to fit in, there’s that one person that will mock you for liking things, such as being fan of certain shows that are meant for a preschool audience. While yes, you can just ignore the person and call it a day, but it’ll still hurt you that someone made fun of you for liking said things.
It just makes me sad that you try to talk to someone on the Internet, thinking they’re cool and you want to be friends with them because they like the same thing as you do. Then you later found out that they’re not nice and that they will say hurtful things about you, which will cause you to gain low-esteem. And it’ll be thanks to them; you gain trust issues from talking to someone as you fear that their faking it and are actually mean!
Then it gets worst if your autistic as sometimes, you don’t know if the person is nice to you until someone else have to point it out to you. I found this ironic as the Internet is a safe haven for autistic people as we don’t have to worry about making eye contact, that it can help establish social friendships from talking about their special interests and reduce the feelings of being lonely. So it’s like actual bullying, but the difference is that you can hide your identity and can get away with it…
I heard the horror stories of some autistic people who end up depressed and gained low-esteem from getting cyberbullied. It’s so bad, that some of them harmed themselves due to the situation that they have no control of!
Heck, not only I was too scared to talk to the Internet, but I was also too scared to post anything online due to my fears that I might get bullied because what I post isn’t good. Back when I used to browse DeviantArt (which was in the early-mid 2010s), I keep seeing callout post of people who got bullied due to people not like their drawings as it was made in Microsoft Paint or due to drawing the characters wrong. Some of those posters even mention they’re autistic, which made it worst! Just real scary stuff out there that makes me scared of society.
It was thanks to those horror stories and my fears; I decided it would be for the best if I just stay in the background and not interact or post anything for the sake of my mental health. I think doing that not only prevented me from making online friends, but it also protects me from the bullying and the fights about various things in the fandom.
Even as an adult, I’m still worried that I might get cyberbullied because of my autism. Yes, I’m more aware of what people said or do, compared to when I was a teenager. But there’s a chance that they’ll pretend to me nice to me, just to end up bullying me anyways!
The last (and maybe the real) reason why I never interacted with anyone online is due to my social anxiety. As a kid, I was a very shy person and would have problems talking to anyone unless an adult introduced me to them. Some say that you can blame my autism for that one. But I would say that it’s my social anxiety. I say that because even when the adults help me interact with others, I get nervous when talking to them as I don’t know what to say without to sound mean or stupid. Same thing with trying to talk to someone on the Internet!
I kind of find this funny as I heard that the Internet is actually perfect for those with social anxiety! But it made me more nervous instead. Probably because I can’t read their body language since they’re behind the screens, which means I don’t know if I say anything that could make them mad. Then there’s my fear that what I could say to them might cause them to hate me and might end up cyberbullying me, which would bring my mood down! Because of that, I never leave comments on my various social media accounts. I can like/up vote instead, as I feel it’s “safer” that way.
I also have the same issues with me posting my stuff (such as fan art and fan fics) online. Not only I was worried that I might be bullied due to people not liking my stuff; I was also worried that it might not get enough likes. Mainly because whenever I browsed on Reddit, Tumblr and (formerly) Instagram, I keep seeing some fan arts get over a thousand likes, then I post mine and I get at least 10 likes! Then I remember one time I posted some my fan art on the Dangaronpa subreddit and I end up getting a nasty comment on my post. It was enough to keep me from posting there ever again!
At least one of the good things about having a website is that you can post whatever you like and don’t have to worry about getting hateful comments that your site looks bad and such. But even here on Neocities, they have the likes systems where some of the people I followed, tend to have over 20 likes whenever they post and sometimes when my website get posted, I get underneath that! Well, I shouldn’t be complaining as I sometimes get over 10 likes on my posts here. It’s jealously, I guess…
As an adult, I still get anxious whenever I either post or talk to someone on the Internet. Like I’ll join Discord for some of things I follow, but I won’t talk in there as I don’t know the vibes too well and fear that if I say anything wrong, I’ll get timed out for no reason! Same thing with Tumblr and Reddit as while I’ll like their post, I rarely comment as once again, I worried that I might sound of mean and stupid without trying! That also applies with posting stuff their as I’m worried it might go virtual, for the wrong reasons!
Even on my two websites, anytime someone comments on my guestbook, I somewhat get nervous as someone actually leave a message that they like my site! Yeah, there’s that one or two trollish posts that threw me off occasionally that put me in a nervous sweat and have me re-think about my life. But I end up deleting their comments after calming down. So when I do get people commenting on my guestbook, I should thank them back on their posts. But my anxiety gets in hold of me as I don’t know what to say to them without looking mean.
It’s probably the same reason why I rarely comment on different people’s guestbook that much as I don’t know what to say. But I think I need to work on commenting more as most of the people I follow here are (mostly) nice.
I think those three reasons is what kept me from interacting with the online fandom when I was a teenager. Like I said, not talking to them is what kept me from gaining low-esteem. But at the same time, I feel like I missed the chance to interact with them over the things we like and that some of them are still friends to this day.
Now as an adult, this might be a perfect time to interact with the fandom since I’m more mature and well-headed than when I was a teenager. But I still occasionally get nervous whenever someone talks to me on the Internet or when I post something online. Even though it’s mostly them praising my web design or whatever I posted, which is never a bad thing. It’s dumb anxiety playing tricks on me again, I see.
Maybe one day, I’ll come over it….