(Warning: This is blog mention self-ableism, swearing, murder and some Total Drama spoilers. Please take care before reading on.)
Autism Acceptance Month is back once more. After talking about the time where it took me almost 22 years to embrace my autism, I decided to talk about how the disability can sometimes make my life worse!
If anyone knows about autism, it’s that one of the common side effects is that some autistic people tend to have slow processing speed. Basically, we have slow minds. Like, our minds are very slow. So slow that we won’t even know things until someone either has to point it out or later on when it comes back and hit you, as it took you this long to figure it out!
It’s due to the fact we’re too busy processing the small details and not the main surroundings. We also tend to get distracted, have difficult time doing important tasks such as chores or eating and even make up our mind on small decisions! Because of that, we tend to have to extended time on our exams due to having to process so many things on the one exam and before we know, time runs out!
I’m unfortunately one of those people who have a slow mind. I hate it and I find it embarrassing! It also didn’t help I tend to get distracted a lot too due to having a very active mind, so it’ll take me longer to get it.
Back when I was in school, it’ll take me longer to learn things, longer to understand the plot of the book I’m reading for class and dread mini pop quizzes as this means I’m forced to remember stuff under a time limit. It also take me longer to understand some of the social situation that all the cool kids got engaged in! It’s probably why I always feel far behind from the rest as it’ll take me weeks to understand everything around.
As I mention before, I was one of those who have to have extended time whenever I do tests and even then I feel it’s not enough! Despite all that, I managed to graduate both high school and university with a high GPA!
But it’s not school that I tend to have a slow mind, even at home and in real life it’ll take me a bit to understand things.
I can't do sports because I have a slow mind and then there’s the fact I can’t drive due to having a slow mind, which means I have to rely on public transportation or my family in order to get around. Too bad the city where I live, has a HORRIBLE bus line and it doesn’t even run in my neighborhood! This means I’ll be stuck walking around the neighborhood for transportation as long my family still lives in Southern Texas…
Another bad thing about having a slow mind is that it'll take me longer to understand someone's body language. This means I don't know if the person I'm talking to is a good person or not based on their body language. To make matter worsts, some of them are aware that austistic people are bad with body language and will use this AGAINIST THEM! Because of this, it'll take us longer to notice their a bad person and we will not know it until it's too late!
Especially if you're in an abusive relationship and by the time you realize you're in one, you might be dead! Seeing my older half-sister in an abusive relationship a few years back, is one of the reason why I'm too scare to date anyone thanks to my autism and my slow mind.
Heck, my slow mind and being bad at body language is the reason why I'm slow to trust people. Even on the Internet, I'm slow to trust because the LACK of body language here! Instead, I rather be cauious on knowing a person before I can get to trust them. I feel like it's safer that way. My slow mind is the reason why I quit my last job due to hearing horrible things about my new boss (as he reported to be a creep) from others and that I wouldn't know it myself unless someone point it out to me! And due to working in a fast pace enviroment where they also have a high quit rate as well...
Going back to my older sister from before, there was an incident seven years ago where it took me almost two months to find out that the guy who always visit her whenever they got off from work (as they used to work at an AutoZone store), is her BOYFRIEND! Like my mother knew they were dating. Her three children knew they were dating (and some of them even brought up his bad habits with them even after their mom broke up with him). Even the FUCKING DOG, knew they were dating!
But not me, I was too busy juggling working part-time and dealing with my last year in university to know they were dating! I thought he was just hanging with her because he has nothing better to do! /s
Ahhhhhhh!
Of course, there’s the fact that I probably didn’t know they were dating as I didn’t want to be nosey as I remember the last time I got involved with someone’s business, it ended very poorly and it caused one of my worst mental breakdown I ever had!
However even after I found out about their relationship, I ended up not liking him as there’s a huge age gap between them, which made me feel uncomfortable. It’s mainly because my sister is nine years older than him and that he could’ve went to the same high school with me as he was three years older than me! He was also childish, rude and a bit of a slob. Their relationship was so bad that by the time me and mom moved back to the States in 2022, my sister end up dumping him for good due to his behavior and that he and his family were anti-vaxxers!
Another (but more recent) incident where my slow mind got the better of me was last month where right before I went on my walk around the neighborhood (and the surrounding areas); my mom ran out of her bedroom and told me to be careful! Confused, I told her I would before heading out for an hour. I said that because prior to that, mom usually never told me to be careful as she trusts me to make good choices whenever I go out and that I won’t do anything stupid that could get me in trouble with the cops.
Two days later, my older sister posted a news article on the family group chat that a Latina woman (who lived four neighborhoods up north of us) went missing after failing to come home from taking a walk. That scared me as the woman was close to my age, was an immigrant who didn’t know any English and that it was during the daytime when she vanished! Still, I hope that the police can find her safe and sound.
Two more days later, they found her DEAD! She was stabbed and buried in the forest (with a wooden cross that’s made out of small tree branches); near the neighborhood where she was last seen! That brought a chill up my spine as there’s a potential killer on the loose!
To make matters worse, she was kidnapped in one of the wealthier neighborhoods in the area. Like the houses looked very “Bougie” (as my older sister called them) and clean. That the neighborhood has a sports park, where it has a large playground, two huge swimming pools with a snack bar and (not surprisingly) there’s a Poké gym (as I play Pokémon Go)! The neighborhood is so safe, that according to one guy who talked to the news reporter (who covered the murder), it’s where you can raise your kids and not worry about any crime there!
The article was bad enough that I swore that I won’t be taking my walks anymore due to my fears that I’ll be next! My family had to talk some sense to me as we’re going to die eventually and that I should not get over worked over something I can’t control of. True, but I didn’t expect someone to kidnapped and kill a random woman in the broad of daylight in one of the safest neighborhood in the area! Oh did I tell you we live in a suburb, outside of a major city in Texas, where crime like MURDER is less likely to happen!?
After reading and calming myself from what just happened, I remember what mom told me to be careful a few days earlier. It turns out the reason why she warned me on that day is because it was the day the woman was KIDNAPPED!!!
Ahhhhhhh, my slow mind strikes again!
And mom only told me that in order to keep me safe! Of course, I could've ask her why she did that and none of all this won't happen. But I didn't for some reason. Sigh...
Thankfully I do and now whenever I go out, I have to keep the volume of my headphone down so I can listen to my surrounding carefully and don’t go out at night. But despite all that, mom’s STILL worry about my safety as one day something horrible can happen to me when I take my walks!
And to this DAY, the killer hasn’t been capture!
So I have to stay away from the Bougie neighborhood up north, a little bit longer as it’s one of the few Poké gyms I haven’t reach gold! And it’s almost summer time…
Not even my favorite things are safe from my slow mind! Like in video games, I suck at rhythm games where my slow mind means I miss a beat, ALL THE TIME! Seven years ago, I bought Crypt of the Necrodancer on the Switch for $3 (as it was on sale) and I couldn’t beat the first dungeon because I’m so bad at timing the rhythm thanks to my slow mind!
I sweat anytime I play platformers (both modern and classic) as a slow reaction means I might fall off and die! Same thing with shooters and some action-adventure games as if you miss one hit, then you might either lose a life or get a game over! Also, I don’t do stealth base games as I’m bad timing my movement so I won’t get caught, like the stealth base minigames in some of Legend of Zelda series, tend to be one of the worst parts of the game for me.
And any game that has time limit, I hated that. It’s one of the reasons why I didn’t like the first Super Mario Bros. game as the timer is FASTER than the modern games! It’s also why I haven’t touched the Pikmin series as each day in the game lasts 13 minutes, which causes me to panic if I’m not quick enough when I reach to the end of the day! I’ll stick with watching Let’s Play/Long Plays of it instead.
I can’t play certain mystery and puzzle games where you have to think of the answer fast or you won’t move on to the next area. I feel like I can only beat Professor Layton series if I have a guide glued to my face because it’ll take me forever to think of the solution to its many puzzles!
The only video game genres I feel comfortable playing due to my slow mind is life simulators, visual novels and (most) RPGs. At least I can take my time and have control on what to do next whenever I play those games.
Then there’s my current special interest, Total Drama, which isn’t safe from my slow mind! As the cartoon is one of those heavy story-plot series (where there’s continuity in each episode), I can sometimes forget certain events that’ll make sense if you pay closely attention to.
One of those moments came from watching season 7/6a, episode 10 where there was a scene where Chase mention in the past, he bought his girlfriend, Emma, a star but he calls it "Chase's Girlfriend" instead. But what I didn’t know that he also planned to change her REAL NAME to Chase's Girlfriend as well, so they can both match! Like as in grab her birth certificate and get officials to legally change it! Ack!
Why did I not catch on to it sooner! Like I get why the remaining contestants cringed at him for saying that; but not me for some reason when I saw the episode the first time. It took me at least FIVE MONTHS to realize what he mean and she STILL ends up back with him by the end of the episode!
Ahhhhhhh!
At least Emma finally dumped his sorry ass for good by the start of the season 8/6b premiere…
Yeah, having a slow mind sucks thanks to autism. It sucks that it’ll take me longer to understand jokes and social cues, which is why I always feel behind. It sucks that it takes me longer to learn things and it cause me to quit after a while. It's the main reason why I'm slow to trust someone because of my slow mind, that makes me bad reading body lanugage. It also sucks that I can’t do certain things, such as driving due to having slow processing speed. It’s probably why I can’t get a job for the same reason why I can’t drive.
Sigh…
But at least I can manage it by taking my time to do certain tasks, breaking it down into smaller pieces and take breaks when needed. That (mostly) helped me when I was in school and university.
Maybe one day I’ll understand things at a normal speed just like everyone else. If only…